i jhust puked up my retainher.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
