man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I will pee on everything he values.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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