Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
