My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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