can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
