there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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