Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
