Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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