I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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