Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
