Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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