i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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