so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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