She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
