Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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