Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
