I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
