drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize