It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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