Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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