my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
