I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
