the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We were destined to go to rehab together
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
