Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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