i don't like sucking hair
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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