I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
