Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
she told me i tasted like america
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
