So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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