i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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