my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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