The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
