I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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