What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Even my vagina gasped.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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