Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
