You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
