woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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