Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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