What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
