New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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