so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
