I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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