So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
