I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
