I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He passed out mid-signature
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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