OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
