Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
