my phone needs a breathalizer
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
