yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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