yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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