yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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