tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
