You're a womanizer and a bitch.
kristin has been a bad kristin
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
