I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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