yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
