i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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