On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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