Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
