I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
