i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
