If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
