Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We had sex on a dog bed..
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
