If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
