can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My dick has a subreddit
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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