my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
